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‘Being a Tit’ and the need to talk.

As we move into Autumn and the leaves turn various shades of bronze, there is a certain peace to the countryside.  And amidst this peace, I am breathing a sigh of relief that the ‘Summer Madness’ of my 2012 is over.

During the Summer I have had very little consultancy work as companies ‘batten down the hatches’ to ride through the recession, and as a result I have been struggling to meet all my financial commitments ….. so I did what any person would do and sorted it all out.

No I didnt, I lie …. I got depressed, struggled to get up in the mornings and didn’t answer my phone, or open my mail.  This went on for about five months and my friends and family supported me throughout (although even they don’t know how hard I was finding it to ‘function’). Nobody realises what torment you are going through – to the World you are strong.

But inside you are crying.

It was actually my clients that pulled me around.  One of my clients discussed with me their experience of their company getting into debts and the road to follow to make arrangements to sort it out – he gave me a friendly ‘ultimatum’ that the next time I visited I must have contacted the credit card company etc. I started to do this and was amazed at the kindness of people on the phone – one superb customer services assistant (Male) explained to me that I wasn’t the only one in this situation, and they were there to help.

Another of my clients, and a major influence on my life, taught me that it was OK to cry – really cry (or as I termed it ‘be a tit!’) Paula is a physchologist so knows a bit about ‘being a tit’!  I have always gone through life being strong and you don’t realise that this outer persona is actually a defensive mechanism – a shield if you like.

‘I am strong, I don’t need your help, I am here for you’. …. but ‘Dont you get tired of being strong’? I though it a strange question at the time – but it was like an emergency stop in the World Rally Championship!

Maintaining a certain ‘strength’, a certain ‘image’ means bottling things up and creating a huge weight to be carried around with you. You help and care for others – because their issues may be easier to solve than your own.

But inside you are crying.

Many years of being strong – my brothers accident in 1984 and the upheaval of a new life – I come from a family which ‘sorts things out’ – and things were sorted out and lives changed. Did we have time to cry – no because we were strong for Andrew.

Andrew died nearly 3 years ago -who is to blame –  inside I am howling.

Dad has been battling cancer this year – he is an amazing fighter – and at 82 has gone through it. He is strong – I must be.  My friend, John Robinson has recently been diagnosed with AL Leukaemia – why? Why and how?

I am sitting here in floods of tears – I have learnt to cry – but have a way to go yet. To the ‘outside world’ I am ‘strong, organised, and opinionated (I will expand on this in my next post! lol) – I wear it like armour.

So to those of you battling with depression, battling with debt – I hope you are lucky enough to have fabulous friends and family as I have …. and an incredible Paula.

 

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One comment on “‘Being a Tit’ and the need to talk.

  1. Debbie Wicks
    October 25, 2012

    Honesty is always the best policy – wait for my next post!!!!!!

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